NYC LIFE: Coffee Shops have become a slum of internet dating and cranky dot commers.
Once upon a time you may have thought that New York City coffee shops were not unlike the one featured on Friends. That was probably the case back then, but now that concept is dying outright. My old favorite coffee shop, M. Rohr’s (now moved to 86th street), has changed completely. Gone is the narcissistic “screenwriter” who had a nervous breakdown every week, the Intellectual Terrorist and the horror movie-watching midget (who ganked my copy of Five Fists of Science).
This place is now a hotbed of internet dating, voyeurs and cranky dot commers.
“You see I’m orthodox,” says the cleanly shaven Metro-Hipster, to the girl sitting across from him who stares blankly and gives him a look of not understanding. Recovering he says: “If you…you’re from Eastern Europe, right?”
“Yes, Ukraine.”
“Right your profile said that.” That right there catches my attention and I turn noticeably eavesdropping on their conversation. The Ukrainian girl sees me and smiles. Whenever I hear something like that I immediately go back to Mad Dogs in 2000, and “no, but I got her AIM screen name.”
Situations like these make me cringe, and was clearly the reason why I was adverse to online dating in the first place.
Ukraine goes to the bathroom while the Metro-Hipster puffs his scarf and re-arranges it, putting his hand through his military style crew-cut. A moment of clarity: the Metro-Hipster is an amalgamation of the typical Manhattan Metrosexual style in males and Williamsburg hipster, with some differences in where they shop. This monstrosity will try to be fashionably sheak without looking too much like the Metrosexual that roam these Upper East Side streets looking like every other guy. These Metro-Hipsters refuse to wear Banana Republic or J. Crew like your typical Metrosexual but instead engage in styles from Diesel, H & M or Urban Outfitters. Unlike their Billy’s Burg cousin, they will not appear to be unwashed or shop at American Apparel, but be cleanly manicured, shaven, sport crew cut hair, and will generally hate Flight of the Conchords. This person, desires to look cared for while he adjusts his scarf for optimal fashion casualness. If he was casual at all, he wouldn’t give a shit. Moving on.
Strange house music comes on in this last straggling Friends-style cafe which makes me wonder why Kevin Church doesn’t play records anymore. An angry old former dot commer on his net book keeps shooting stabby laser eyes at this new cliche of a modern Manhattan couple and cries out, “If we wanted to hear your conversation we would ask you.”
The dot commer and the couple look in my direction for a word of support and all I do is give them a look of shut the fuck up the lot of you, and leave.
About The Author
David Press
I'm a Brooklyn College grad student and writer. I've been published online at Comic Book Resources, Broken Frontier and MTV News Splash Page.
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Author's web sitehttp://www.thedavidpress.com
Other than Sabor y Cultura, at which is held a weekly board game play day, I haven’t been to a cafe since Starbucks closed most of my favorite spots in the 90s. Ah, memories.
April 8th, 2009 at 9:46 amYou don’t think that coffee shops, even in the “Friends” era, were always just a little too hip? The coffee shops of the 90s were trying to be the coffee shops of the 30s - places where it was cool to be artsy and poor. They were trying to revive something that was long gone in an attempt to be hip. Whatever coffee shops are now - and I still go to them, Starbucks included, because I just fucking love coffee - they haven’t “become” overly hipster-ified. They’ve always been a den of people wanting to be hip. It’s just the idea of what’s hip that’s changed.
April 10th, 2009 at 11:45 am